Kilian Conor

Reality Check

2011-06-21T22:34:00.004-05:00

It’s like this, see. You bring your worthless commentary. You state your case and intend to erase my credibility. Then again I do sin, just like the rest of humanity. Unlike you, where blame is due to how many minds you’ve destroyed. Simple toys, girls and boys: they’re all coming to kill you.

It’s bloody true.

30.8.11

2011-01-04T03:42:00.003-06:00

There were drugs everywhere, the day after it happened. Kate walked down to the Circle K in broad daylight armed with a tire jack in case any of the Others came out. Codeine was still very much believed in. We were glad that in our wickedness, we would have nary a sniffle or a care once the sun set again.

The sound of screeching tires told us the fish SUVs were compromised so we moved into the church. Ever since They were taken, there is no sanctuary. We pulled down the massive crucifix and fashioned stakes from the splinters. But the Others were unaffected. We've set a fire instead.

--Pittsburgh, 30 August 2011

New story at Deck the Halls - A bit late for Christmas. No worries. It's not merry.

2010-12-30T21:41:00.002-06:00

Join me here for my latest tale. Ta.

Today at 12 Days of Christmas - The Fifth Ring

2010-12-18T11:28:00.000-06:00

I'd love it very much if you visited and validated my existence as a writer here.

One Light

2010-10-25T02:01:00.004-05:00

I'm looking for something
and thinking
as rain trickles down the tracks over me
I'm laying here staring up at the moon
and thinking
I got someplace else to be.
I've been taking so long
to make up my mind
I've lost it already.
I'm looking for something
and thinking
that there is no place for me.
Deep thunder echoes
over the rails
tensed up, poised and pale
I'm looking at something
and thinking
soon there'll be nothing left of me.

Sunset

2010-10-21T07:40:00.001-05:00

What do you know of this terror? This sense of nonsense and hopeless emotionality? Banality replaces individuality. Time passes and recedes, curling under like dried leaves. Sun pools on the horizon, spilling out hues of affirmation. A slight detachment of limb from mind, head from heart; left spinning inside a void of misunderstanding.

It's an alien sensation, this skin. Graying and scratchy to feel the pink return with determined vibrance.

It's a life.

Ageless, Changeless

2010-10-11T22:21:00.000-05:00

I've been around since before your ribbons
your rainbows
your sympathy
your religion
Pride, parades
Weddings, unions
Before Barry Manilow
Champagne
and especially violin.

You can't fix me
You can't change me
My name is love
And I am blind.

December

2010-10-02T13:56:00.000-05:00

Deepest, darkest rancor
a solitary path;
open door leading
into oblivion.

Tender crush of pelt, tanned
and left to smother
what's left of this fire.
I wake with breath
cold as December.

Slide

2010-08-17T00:43:00.000-05:00

This pulse is automatic, it’s
A swallow of depth and endless salt
Trimmed to appear sane or clean
A throb of carmine, dipped; brushed
Slashed over the oil-slicked artery so
The body slides easier in the dirt.

Anyroad

2010-07-08T21:33:00.000-05:00

Afraid of the house falling in, just to take it out in the storm. Thick tie flapping; you looked so ridiculous. Precious and vulnerable. Shouting with rain-speckled hair.

I had to kiss you.

Memory 27.2

2010-07-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

Angels stripped of bitter dust living before the face of God. Confess child. Tell Him what you would like best. No pity, no pithy. You can let Him in.

Clasp your hands and pray. He will come save us all.

He Made Me Do It

2010-07-06T23:51:00.000-05:00

The Devil smiles when love rots. He dances as life ebbs from fingers and necks, giggling furiously over his precious fiddle and swinging his tail to the beat of the shovel striking mud and stone to bury what's left of his joy.

Problem

2010-07-05T23:45:00.001-05:00

You have to be forgiven to forgive. Here is my predicament.

Mirror

2010-07-01T23:30:00.002-05:00

My reflection lies. He glares; brows pulled together in stormy scowl. I can't see myself in those blue eyes. I can't feel my own face. Fingers pulled rough over aging flesh. Spotted to bear the mark of time. I smile; he doesn't.

It's dad.

Lad Thinks Himself a Poet

2010-06-30T17:05:00.001-05:00

The second those footsteps ring in the well
A tell; of anticipated longing glances
Endeavored chances and five o’clock cheeks
that weaken my knees to slide my hands
over solid chest and tug at your tie
(Goodbye) whipped across the room as I
get closer to you there underneath
the sheets that bend with your every graceful
move, and lick your lips and tease with those
fingertips, my executive, effective and amusing
Muse, take me then you silly fool…

I’ve got nothing to lose.

Vent

2010-06-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

I grow tired of failing expectations, underscoring achievements, and holding hands. There's no safety net outside that door, and even here the roof can fall in on you. Pity you, pity me.

The only ones to truly envy are the dead.

Proof

2010-06-28T20:15:00.000-05:00

Apologies are fantastic. They overshadow opinions, outlast excuses, and exorcise doubts in the heart.

I dug into the meat of the situation, but all I found were worms, spindled and wriggling. I knew you weren't sincere.

Gun

2010-06-26T00:01:00.001-05:00

Alone and forsaken on bended knee, he
Cried to heaven with hands clasped tight
Heart open, aching, and bleeding
That gun lying on white tile gleaming
Like an accusatory severed finger.

A stainless-steel brand of justice
Served hot and immediate
One bullet at a time

This revolver rested—done
Muzzle with staring black harm
With sharp gasp and cry he
kicked it away, until it
bumped against the still-warm form
On the other side of the room.

I Am

2010-06-24T13:56:00.000-05:00

I am not your victim, your beast of burden, your boy-toy bottom-sucking slut. I am not your handyman, your guy-next-door or your fellow postman. I am constantly inconsistent, devious, remarkable, and quite concerned. I am living a lie because I can lie, and I do lie, and I will lie beside you. I do what I do, because it's what you expect. I can be the best in you.

Best chances are, I will be the end of you.

Lie Still

2010-06-23T00:40:00.001-05:00

"Lie still."

I can still hear the tremor of my thundering pulse when cornered.

"You just need to relax."

Sweat coated the insides of my thighs. You grunted your approval. It saved time.

"I just want to put the tip in."

I didn't love you. I wished I could transmit disease.

"You know you want this. You've been giving me the eye all night."

Spiteful glances wasted. Fear coursed through my veins like burning oil.

"You're the one making this hurt. Just relax."

I'll relax when they lay you in your grave.

I made my report. I attended my sessions. The nightmares plague me more than the headaches. One word I made out; trauma causes odd reactions in the victim.

Victim? Boys don't make good victims.

I can't stop shaking. The water's run cold and still I stand, shaking at the knees until I am comforted of what I'm going to do when I finally corner you.

Sinner

2010-06-21T23:38:00.000-05:00

It's not a sin to hold and be held; to love and be loved; to hope against hope that someplace to fit is better than none. The hand fate dealt was cruel; you took it in stride. You held your smile when the tubes were put in the night before you died.

There's nothing left for me but you. Again and again, in every face. Each wall is a testimony to how much I want to merge with the black. Every word drips with animosity and hate.

I've become what you shined against.

Clean Slate

2010-06-21T01:59:00.000-05:00

Believe in dusty words rather than living lips. Certain conviction in questionable theory. Vindicate in myth as real fact circles about your head in dizzying atomic circles. Tread with surety in your path. Take solace in your faith. Cross yourself and trust that all sins are forgiven in your world every morning.

I dread the nights before.

Late Night

2010-06-18T23:18:00.001-05:00

At times, no words will suffice. Drink tastes heavy and hot, and the ditch outside feels like a good a bed as any. No sleep will come to a troubled mind. Throw water on the fire.

There are always choices.

Statement of Little Importance

2010-06-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

It's an epic episode—this trust in time and individual integrity. This visceral sense that we are all the pick of the litter; the cream of the crop; the dog's bollocks. A chapter in an otherwise uninhabited brain to maintain what must be retained.

We are all a stain that remains. Grown-up placenta with a skeleton that gives form to the juices.

A deeper genetic regression that somehow impresses upon even the most congressional of audiences just how bloody unimportant we are. We lie to ourselves and impose cos we can, and that is the plan that man shall withstand disease and death.

There is no escape from the resultant despair.

Sol

2010-06-16T22:59:00.002-05:00

I do prefer cold pizza to hot. The fridge stays the same way. Dishes stay neatly stacked within their nests. I drive once a month just to replenish my coffee and milk, perhaps a bit of cereal.

The lake freezes over when it snows.

I like it.

Misc.

2010-06-15T22:01:00.000-05:00

Speak clearly. I'm writing this all down for a rainy day or lesser-than.

Whichever is greater.
I think it's time we talked. Your lips don't make any sense anymore.

I'm cold here.

Boys Don't Cry

2010-06-14T20:13:00.001-05:00

Trying to laugh about it proved unsuccessful. Since boys don't cry, I was forced to bury the issue.

I believe there's about forty-five minutes of air left.

Muckery

2010-06-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

It's profitable
affordable
inevitable and droll
to extoll a certain take
of purchase on the lease
of existence's lull.

Amber embers
burning
turning
taken to higher extremes.
It's only on this set of rocks
that the flock can properly be
slaughtered to bleed.

Evidence

2010-06-10T00:01:00.001-05:00

There comes a point in time where one must do what is necessary, and not necessarily right. I collect my things. Thing, rather, because it is the thing that could be construed as evidence. Good night.

End

2010-06-08T16:12:00.000-05:00

Memories sifting in and out of darkness. A dappled grey mare of recollection sturdy in morning mist. A sorted stack of dusty suggestions. Gold ribbon to tie it all together. Your arms reached out to hold me at the end of my days.

I fell.

Repeal

2010-06-07T22:12:00.001-05:00

Daft boy doesn’t know his arse from a tea kettle. Daft boy can’t protect himself to save his life. Daft boy has learned better than to meddle. Daft boy now wields a deadly knife.

I should probably care how the red wells in the small ravines I’ve carved in your gorgeous cheeks. Your tears mingle with the blood—salt with salt—and you whimper. I should kick you in gratitude. I’ve got no ribs left to spare.

Once punctured, your eyes held no fascination.

Spider

2010-06-03T14:31:00.003-05:00

Perilously I peer atop my web pining palate perceiving of wet and gloom. Spindled silver sad droplets conceal encircling doom.

Dark furry funneled fury is terribly glad to meet you. Cascading cylinders cover cold-blooded cacophony as I close in to eat you.

Heroes

2010-06-02T23:00:00.003-05:00

Less honorable than dying for your country?

Perhaps death at gunpoint by what used to be your student. A slow death from uranium poisoning your resources while you farm food. There’s always burned to death when rescuing the infirm. Drowning from a panicked victim.

They need more volunteers.

Listen

2010-06-01T13:26:00.002-05:00

Take care with those words, lest they hear you. An entire flock of colleagues listening to every little peep. Ears large as dinner plates with mouths like ravines. Trust that they'll always betray you.

Memorial Reminder

2010-05-31T19:59:00.003-05:00

I couldn't say I've given thanks to a soldier. My blood isn't from this soil. But if I had any say in this, I'd loosen America's grip on oil. The nights are red in certain lands. Dead eyes watch black skies. The solution to peace is in your hands:

Take a walk tonight.

Missed Call

2010-05-28T23:48:00.003-05:00

You phoned me the night before you decided on a final solution. Your voice had a strange shine across the line. I replay the message and wish for the thousandth time I’d been home.

A New Leaf

2010-05-27T23:20:00.001-05:00

It's not what you want. It's not what you like. Anymore.

I left you foaming on the floor. The little bit of addictive did do the task quite nicely, but it was apparent you were in pain. Pain or no pain, you had to go.

How dare you make me do this.

Beauty in Brevity

2010-05-26T23:01:00.002-05:00

Cold affection. You like it. This, where I just do and say nothing. You come to and I'm not there. It's less inconvenient this way.

Sun Disciple

2010-05-25T15:15:00.002-05:00

I tried worshipping Satan. He was just as quiet as God. Less influence, more debauchery. A silly excuse to act irresponsibly. I sacrifice my skin instead.

Praise Ra.

Artist

2010-05-24T14:25:00.002-05:00

There is simplicity in silence. A white room, cornered by soft shadow. One very vibrant streak of red.

Hold that pose.

Misdiagnosed

2010-05-21T23:04:00.002-05:00

Years ago I was taken in to see a therapist to help ease my transition as a lover of men. The question came up whether I was following a fashion or if I truly was unattracted to women. I gave my answer. He scribbled a bit on a slip of paper and handed it to my mum.

The following week, I saw a priest.

Intuitive

2010-05-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

It’s cold outside. Frost flakes off my jacket as I shrug it off in front of the fire. I sit, flick on the telly. Nothing on. The clock ticks.

I know what’s waiting for me in there. I avoid drinking or eating anything for hours, but my stomach rumbles in disagreement. I piss outside in desperation before finally making the call.

Officials tell me they might’ve been able to save you had I phoned them as soon as I discovered you in your final bath. I didn’t discover you. I just knew you had gone.

Sleep

2010-05-19T11:01:00.001-05:00

Where did you sleep last night? The pillow is still cold and you're not outside. I clutch the sheets close under the duvet and dream of you.

In the hollow space beneath the floorboards, worms squirm in your resting hollows.

Hover

2010-05-18T14:08:00.000-05:00

It wasn't fully intentional, the overbearing helicopter sort of parenting; every moment of his eleven years, coddled to the point of absurd comfort. Perhaps if they'd not had such a difficult journey to adulthood themselves…

A phone call. Sirens. They found him in a cushioned crib—wrapped entirely in plastic.

Policy

2010-05-17T13:19:00.004-05:00

You've grown attached to this honesty coil. I should always tell the truth and be damned for what I think.

Now…tell me the truth if you know what I meant when I said I wasn't sorry. Tell me if this hurts as much as you did me.

Missing

2010-05-14T20:57:00.001-05:00

We swilled bourbon to the constant roar of waves, cuddled on the hood. He had dreams. I had nightmares. We shared alike. When the police came, all they found were our clothes in the sand.

New View

2010-05-13T20:19:00.003-05:00

At the viewing we all had a short statement to make for Nanna, save for her much-younger boyfriend. The bloke stood there blubbering for what seemed like hours, revealing her devotion to saving stray cats, her gambling habits, and her penchant for wearing leather.

Mum had the white lilies exchanged for red roses before the graveside service began.

Fast

2010-05-12T14:28:00.003-05:00

You had a quick car. I had to work hard to keep up. When you turned that corner I knew I needed a better way to pursue you.

You selected fresh strawberries by scent. I stared listlessly at the tomatoes until you moved on. You concealed your delight at my presence by walking faster.

Bones turn to ash in eight hours. You surprised me again by disintegrating in seven and a half.

Fastest to the end.

Assertive Position

2010-05-11T11:31:00.002-05:00

Even an office has hiding places. I took his red stapler home after I rinsed it off in the executive lavatory. Tomorrow, I interview for his position.

His Love

2010-05-07T13:43:00.003-05:00

He never takes the Lord's name in vain. He serves his God, yet he is taken by a devilish thing. His heart is filled with another song and his shadow leaves the stoop of God's House.

He is in love.

Trees shed their leaves, snow blankets the stolid ground, and he is taken over by whims of fancy: His hand in his. A kiss to seal a lifelong pact.

He takes his love by the hand, and he turns to the House of his God. Remember him? It's been so long, but he's been good. He's found a life mate. The other half of his soul. The doors to God's House open.

But he cannot cross with his love.

He wants to make it real; to tell the world in glittering gold ink on ivory parchment of his love—his choice. To dance with his love. To share the cake and the wine and his love with his family.

But the doors of God's House slam shut on his love.

What has he done wrong? His love is real. His love draws a smile on his beating heart. His love gives his blood reason to flow.

But his is a forbidden love.

The light of God turns away from his love. He is not welcome here.

In the cold he cradles his lover, which has become the only love he knows is real.

Perpendicular Conversions

2010-05-06T10:11:00.003-05:00

There are some mentions of hate too perpendicular to be of much use to anyone but the subject in question. Step forward in caution, only to see the floor fall away and below, the faces of the those you've wronged.

In the end, we all are judged for our doings.

Day-to-day contact proves to usher in a new roomful of possibilities, not all good or evil, but to distribute emotion among those that would know you in the self. Digital distinction still plays no part in what you eventually decide to be. If this is not the case for some of you, then reevaluation is fully necessary.

Blood is life. Flesh is king. The taste of breath and kiss, the slip of fingers against exposed skin, and the semblance of identification in a single inebriated conversation are far more valuable then just words.

Be.

Left

2010-04-29T10:02:00.000-05:00

You left me here for dead. I never stopped breathing. Or believing that I'd find you. Forget me? I'll never forget you. Your face is tattooed in memory. Your blood signature sings a sweet aria. Your bones resonate with intention. Every step taken brings you closer to me.

I'm not done yet.

Pulse

2010-04-27T11:31:00.000-05:00

A flicker of buzzing fluorescence, taking me back to the time before. Crippling waves of shock. Am I still that slave?

I disturb the order and send the offender to lesser Hell and yet. Dusky shadows and powered marble and still I can see the stain of what I tried to erase in me. Deeply etched in sticky remorse, for what I have discovered now resounds in my chest.

A heart has no friends.

Saved

2010-04-26T10:48:00.001-05:00

The First Southern Baptist Church of Big Rock, Alabama announced a mass baptismal in the Filter Creek out behind the chapel. They came from all around with eager smiling faces. The six-month drought proved to push even the most undevout to take a dip in the last clear water still running in the tri-county radius.

Automatic Art

2010-04-20T06:53:00.002-05:00

It was classic auto pornography:

Flash reflecting over
gleaming chrome
silver bolts
golden glass bezels
azure wires
midnight rubber.

Crimson
was my contribution
when I attempted
my genuine imitation.

Just You

2010-04-14T16:15:00.001-05:00

I nearly died when I got a note from you.

You, the one I couldn't linger with more than a few seconds because I'd start sweating from my fingers to my toes and tingle and shake. Tits shoved in my face and all I saw was you. Not your girl. Not your friends. Just you. Grinning at me, belligerent and suave.

I sat out on the stoop after the final bell and stared at the tips of my shoes and suffered sunburn waiting for you. Just for you.

You walked up to me, hands on hips and I met your eyes. We were alone.

"You ready," you said. I nodded and winced.

Your fist against my jaw didn't hurt too much like I'd imagined.

The Storm

2010-04-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

There were birds in the sky, before the storm encroached on the tiny town, wavering power lines, rattling rusty mailboxes, and pummeling the dry earth with fat, heavy raindrops.

The air cooled; lighter, with icy, grasping fingers. It swirled into a vortex, first drawing in anything light enough to float.

I was still looking towards the wicked skyshow when a roaring train crept up on me. My jacket opened of its own accord, and I let go of the bannister.

I followed the birds.

A Drowned Man

2010-04-07T11:32:00.003-05:00

There's a slow roll in his voice; water over ancient stone. The curve of his lips, the scent of his breath is mint. The subtle movement of air bewildered in his wake. I've lost my grip. I think he could lead me anywhere.

So powerless; so enraptured.

I cut myself instead.

Spikes & Crocus

2010-04-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

Tin spikes and crisis
bloom into hyacinths
and crocus into the
needlier side of things.
It brings a certain sting

To just about everything in grey
and held upright as not
to shake
and mix into a hue
and bring back
a lad I once knew.

All or nothing, he said
Drill a higher porthole and bleed red
a singular thought into a cup of wine
In time runneth over
into the lap of
what the fuck you were trying
on me last night.

Lucky

2010-03-31T14:25:00.003-05:00

I've been a lucky bloke for the greater part of my existence due to the fact that people tend to act according to instinct when there's a far greater chance of success with experience.

This does not bode well for that lot crossing the road in front of the mail carrier or an afternoon bus.

Colors Found in Nature

2010-03-30T10:14:00.003-05:00

All these have fluids:

Legs to arms in twine,
hands clasped over ankles,
drunk on blackberry wine.

Purple deepened to blue-black
in a simmering panic attack,

trussed up and thrown in the back of a 64 Cadillac.

Lost some time for light and
took a strange sniff and bite
at the fingers of my forefathers' oversight
and stretched it out on cords
strong
red

and tight.

Trickle

2010-03-29T13:13:00.002-05:00

I don't know you but I know what's coming out from under your Buick is liquid, and it's amber. Stick with me or stay there, either way…

I'm smoking a cigarette.

Why Won't You Die

2010-03-24T07:19:00.000-05:00

There comes a bloody moment when it all falls together in your dusty old brain that you have become an arse. A slight glimmer of hope there, as vague and rotund as last week's bloated belly. Gas and vinegar, stitches and glue.

He hasn't. I'm not done yet.

Bad Mood

2010-03-23T06:16:00.002-05:00

Small comfort to bear I've buried him up to his neck in snow. I balance a block on his head. Don't move, I say. The axe falls. Another block. I can't smell the piss because it's too cold.

Again I split wood. He's crying. I kick his head and spit on him.

He never had mercy on me. And yes, he has a small penis.

Dead After Coffee

2010-03-15T07:21:00.002-05:00

He dared me to try. His footsteps echoed up and down the hall as he searched the house for further validation that I was existentially worthless. The bet was a woman could do better. The problem was according to him, she had. He wasn't sorry. He didn't look sorry. His mouth and tongue were saying anything but apologies even as he raked more guilt over the coals of my self-doubt.

I needed coffee. I wanted him to shut the fuck up. I think if he'd known the thoughts racing through my mind at that point, he'd stopped.

The truth is I was just too tired to kill him.

Grunt

2010-03-09T06:00:00.000-06:00

I love the military types. The shorn head after boot camp. Eager muscles, conformed to daily rigors of pain. This is my category. He's familiar with leather and brief explosions. His aim is perfect. I like to watch him shoot from a low crawl, one foot up slightly.

Combat boots are incredibly sexy.

With him around, I might get more killing than I could possibly handle, that is if we don't kill one another first. I'll let him make the first moves.

Superbowl

2010-03-08T06:43:00.003-06:00

We made a deal, him and me. Or was it me and him? He watched Superbowl, and when it was done I was in control. For such a small-minded man, the harness did much for his posture. I tightened the loop until I heard him gasp, like an old dog on a leash. Dogs like leashes. They need structure.

He's still not aware of how much more force it would've taken, but I now have a very faithful pet.

Honeymoon

2010-03-02T06:48:00.002-06:00

Pompeii is a state of ghosts, vacant lots, and holes where bodies used to be. Dead horses and bones of cattle along with cracked urns and peeling frescoes inhabit this little city. We could only pick along at the plodding rate of the stupid or amazed, fingering ancient concrete and modern metal railing.

I think it is their honeymoon. It looks like he is just out of the military, and she of highschool.

“Did you bring the camera?” she asks.

“I thought you did.” He replies. She erupts into tears. “Our special time, ruined, all because you forgot the fucking camera.”

“We have the phone,” he says, and draws her close. I look at my own partner and we make gagging sounds at the back of our throats. He is one of the Domesticated males.

We are wild and free and not on 'Honeymoon'. I prop my partner up against a pretty tiled wall and kiss him. The wife shoots us a disgusted look.

I give her the finger. Sometimes, I wish history could repeat itself.

Cold Front

2010-02-23T06:46:00.000-06:00

The cold-front burst into existence approximately thirty minutes into the new day. Jacquelyn tossed in her bed, and snuggled closer to her betrothed. A train roared by, dividing the night into raucous horn and piercing light.

The rain came in sideways, tap-tap-tapping at the thin, aged glass. Jacquelyn, giving up on any sort of decent sleep, rose to her knees over the headboard to part the drapes. Frost built up around the edges in a smoky border of sorts. Rain froze into bullets and struck the narrow barrier. A wind picked up outside; the trees shimmied around as if by unseen musical partners.

She could see her breath. Her husband snored softly on her leg. How could he sleep through this?

A fork of crack appeared, and without further resistance, the window gave way to a deadly shower of jagged shards.

Reprisal

2010-02-22T15:57:00.000-06:00

I knew she was going to do it, the worthless buttinsky. From the moment she cracked open her gob to the point of the flaming electronic mail I received in my inbox, I knew the bitch had it out for me. This was further recognized upon arrival at the dear supervisor's office for a bit of a visit holding what I suspected to be an absolute truth.

The horror of such bloody embarrassment! To take my earned work only to toss it up in such a manner was juvenile and atrocious.

I'm sure the bloody cunt laughed her way to Hell once she'd discovered I'd loosened her brakes for her, on my way out through the car park.